


Home is where the heart is

by HydrangeaPartridge



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Jean is an instructor, M/M, years after the current events of the book
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 05:29:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2569853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HydrangeaPartridge/pseuds/HydrangeaPartridge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After years of hard work, Jean is now an instructor and amongst the recruits he has to train stands a freckled young man named Isaac Bodt; Marco's brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home is where the heart is

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this but I shouldn't have, it's too sad. But it was stuck in my head so I couldn't help it.
> 
> This is inspired by [this post](http://luckyfurball.tumblr.com/post/101635336976/jean-knows-hes-going-to-guard-this-one-with) by [luckyfurball ](http://luckyfurball.tumblr.com/) who created Isaac Bodt, and also [this post](http://feelwoodmac.tumblr.com/post/101520538750/you-know-how-isayama-just-confirmed-that-marco-was)

Jean took another gulp of the unidentified alcoholic beverage filling his cup before slamming said cup back on the wood table.  
The mess hall was buzzing with noise of loud chatting and flatware clanging. The sight was nostalgic to Jean, except he was now sitting at the officer's table alongside his fellow instructors instead of the trainees benches.  
The blond felt slightly ashamed thinking about how much of a ruthless prick he was back then, when he couldn't control his temper and ended up insulting all his comrades. He still had kind of a bad temper now but back then he knows he was just awful. There was only one person who seemed to enjoy his company and was magically able to see that (very) deep inside, Jean was just a scared, unconfident boy with a soft heart. 

_« I hope you won't get mad when I say this... But you aren't a strong person. So you can relate to how the weak feel... »_

Regret and sadness started creeping up Jean's heart and mind, but instead of shaking them away, he embraced them, like old friends. After all, these feelings had been with him for years, they were part of him, they helped him remember, they kept _him_ alive.

That's when he spotted them ; dark hair styled with a side part, bangs a bit too long falling on chocolate brown eyes, and those freckles...  
Isaac's resemblance to his brother Marco was baffling. One could easily mistake the young trainee for his deceased older brother. But Jean knew too well that they were different persons.   
True when he first saw Isaac he was puzzled, Marco never told him about his brother. But soon he spotted the obvious differences ; eyes darker, a gaze too hard, shorter, shoulders thinner, hips too narrow and misplaced freckles. Still the boy had said he was here to fulfill his brother's dream.  
Jean didn't know if he ought to laugh or cry at that ; now that he knew about the military police and the monarchy, Marco's dream of serving the king seemed awfully naive and stupid and sometimes he thought that maybe it was best that his friend didn't see his ideals crumble. However, It was because of Marco that Jean was here now and he knew he was going to guard this one Bodt with everything he had. History wasn't going to repeat itself this time around.

 

–------------------------------------------

Jean always struggled to fall asleep for he never felt safe. He was always anxious, afraid, on his guards. And the sadly the lack of sleep wasn't helping when your were supposed to be up at dawn for training. But he couldn't help it, so he lied there, wide awake on his tiny bed while the others in the dorm were all sleeping soundly, some occasionally snoring.

« Jean » A soft voice whispered

The blond turned to face the human form that was slowly climbing into bed with him and he smiled. He didn't need to see who it was, the voice calling his name alone had betrayed his best friend.   
Ever since Marco discovered Jean had trouble finding sleep when they were on a survival exercise that implied sharing a tent, the young men had taken the habit of sleeping together. Marco's presence was soothing to Jean ; his arms around him reassuring and comfortable. The warmth of the brunette's body helped him relax and made him feel safe. Soon Jean feel into a deep slumber, lulled by the steady rhythm of Marco's breathing.

–------------------------------------------

When Jean opened his eyes, he was cold. There was no-one beside him in the far too big four-poster bed of his personal room, no-one to hold him, no one to tell him he was okay. No-one.  
He almost sobbed, wishing he could fall back asleep and chase the dream where he was with Marco again. But he had to get up ; he at least at to carry on living.

–------------------------------------------

 

The pale light of the morning was shining over the trainee squad as they quietly rode alongside Wall Maria.  
Jean patted his horse and it snorted. The dark brown mare had been his mount from the day he began training, and she had saved his ass more than once with her courage and calm temper.  
The blond then checked on the recruits. They all seemed tired from the previous' days training which consisted essentially of sparring. He smiled, Eren hadn't gone easy on them. But his smile fell when his eyes landed on a smiling freckled face, happily chatting with another trainee.

« Are you gonna be alright Jean ? » Armin's voice interrupted Jean's spacing

« Of course, I'm not afraid of a simple babysitting horse-ride. » He snorted cockily, bad habits resurfacing.

But Armin knew Jean ; he had observed him and learned year after year that his bark is worse than his bite, so he didn't hesitate before he continued.

« He really looks like Marco though... »

Jean was taken aback, Armin's ability to read through him would never cease to surprise him. When had he become so transparent ?  
It was only long ago that he had heard someone pronounce his name, at some point it sort of became taboo. It felt strange.

« I'm going to be fine. » Jean whispered in all honesty, almost in a sigh. He didn't want to worry Armin. He already had enough on his mind with Eren and Mikasa.

The shorter blond nodded silently, slightly patting Jean's shoulder.

And that's when the peace of the morning ended.

Before he had time to react Jean was thrown off his horse and abruptly landing on the floor. Cries of panic were heard from the trainees covering the thundering sound of horses running away.  
The blond struggled to get up and started looking around for Armin when he saw it :

A huge titan, one of the biggest he had ever seen. But it looked strange, more like a monkey than a human ; with long hair covering its whole body except the face. The beast had probably jumped over the wall, for it stayed intact, and the impact had caused his horse fall.

Jean's legs didn't respond when he first tried to move. In front of him the gigantic titan was crouching to reach a paralyzed trainee.

He took him in his huge palm. The trainee screamed before he was swallowed. And Jean didn't do anything ; even if he had been there countless times, even if he knew what to do, he was just too shocked. How could this beast enter the walls ? This was just supposed to be a simple day of training. Everytime he felt safe, he had to be reminded of the reality he lived in.

« All trainees retreat ! We need back up, retreat to HQ ! » He heard Armin roar close by.

Right. Jean's mind starting functioning again. They had to protect the trainees. He searched for Armin and locked gaze with him.

« Armin ! I'm going to distract it, take the recruits to safety and bring back up ! » He shouted

The short blond nodded and started leading the recruits away by 3DM since the horse were mostly gone.

Jean took off, using his 3DM to attack the titan's legs and try hindering its movement. But the monster was quick ; it was constantly swinging its arms to try and catch Jean. To his disadvantage, there weren't too many trees out there to maneuver. He had to think of something to stop the titan quickly.  
He stopped to take a slight break on the wall ; the titan had stopped attacking him, suddenly starring at the ground. That's when Jean spotted some movement where the titan looked ; under what seemed to be the corpse of a horse there was somebody. Somebody trapped, struggling to escape. Cold sweat ran down Jean's spine as he recognized the brown hair and the freckles.

Time seemed to stop just like his heart. The monster slowly lifted the dead horse, examining it before throwing it away. The animal's body came crashing in a disgusting noise against a nearby tree.  
It was like everything was happening in slow motion : the titan's hand coming closer to Isaac, Jean soaring into the air and suddenly blood, everywhere, and a cry, the deep growl of a wounded animal.

Jean had succeeded in cutting the beast's fingers and was now aiming for its eyes. In a fury of rage and adrenaline he successfully blinded the monster by planting both his swords into its huge eyes.  
The blond landed on the ground next to Isaac, quickly kneeling before him, covered in blood and slightly dizzy from the spinning and flying.

« Recruit, can you get up ? » He asked, voice hoarse

« I-I don't know, my legs, th-they were crushed, they feel weak and... » Isaac answered, panic in his voice, breath heavy, eyes looking back and forth from the titan to Jean.

« Okay, calm down, you're okay, you're gonna make it, I'll help you »

And with that Jean helped him get up. The recruit could stand but his legs were wobbly. There was no way he could run away, but maybe he could escape by 3DM ; Jean had seen him train and he was pretty good at it. But Looking at his belt, he realized that Isaac's 3DM was damaged ; one of the gas bottles completely crushed and unusable. He wouldn't have enough gas to make it back to HQ and there were no horses in sight...

« Damn ! » Jean cursed. He couldn't carry Isaac with him while maneuvering and he didn't know if the reinforcement where near.

_"You excel in sizing up any situation. Isn't that why you immediately know what should be done?"_

The voice echoing in his head made Jean smile. Of course he knew what should be done.

« Isaac, take my 3DM and run away »

Chocolate brown eyes met amber ones.

« But Instructor Kirschtein, what are you going to do without it ? » Isaac asked, voice trembling and eyes watering.

« I'll be fine, this is routine for me ! And what can this beast possibly do to me without its eyes ? » As always, Jean put on the confident attitude to hide the fear making his stomach sick. But he knew this was the right choice.  
Isaac looked down and Jean took a firm hold of his shoulders, starring deep into the boy's scared eyes.

« Go and don't look back » he whispered with authority.

 

The freckled recruit took off and Jean felt empty but relieved watching him go. After a few seconds the titan started moving again, smoke coming out of its socket.  
Jean frowned, maybe it was able to regenerate.  
He took a deep breath and secured Isaac's 3DM around his hips. He then tried to take off. The gear was unstable but it still worked enough to end this.  
Jean brandished both blades and aimed for the titan's neck to finish it.

That's when he felt it ; pain. An agonizing burning in his leg where the titan had caught him. The beast had probably heard him come closer and had caught him. Jean saw it coming a few seconds before it happened but with a defective gear, he couldn't avoid it.  
The blond thought he was going to faint from the pain. He wanted to scream until his throat bled. Then he remembered Isaac was not far away and if he didn't kill this titan the boy wouldn't be safe.  
So in a surge of courage he cut off his leg and dealt the final blow to the titan, cutting deep into its neck.

The next seconds were a blur and when Jean opened his eyes, he was starring at the bright blue sky, his back hurting against the cold hard ground. It was probably a nice day to leave. He didn't try to fight it. What would he do anyway with just one leg. He would just be a burden for Armin, for Mikasa, for Eren... He would miss them. That would make them sad and he felt guilty for it.  
But Jean wasn't really afraid to die ; at least not anymore. He had thought about ending his days a few times ; after all, he knew as well as his comrades that probably none of them would ever see a world free of titans, so what was the point. He often thought about that. But he wasn't a coward and he certainly didn't want to die useless like so many had before him. Today he had acted like a man and he stuck to his words. He only regretted one thing.

_I'm sorry Marco, I think I won't be able to watch over him anymore_

Jean felt cold even thought he was lying in a pool of his own warm blood. It was difficult to breath and impossible to move. His head and his whole body ached so much he almost felt like he wasn't feeling it anymore. He was tired, too tired.  
Noise started reaching his ears but he couldn't focus. The there were voices, words he couldn't understand, and wetness on his cheeks.

« Instructor Kirschtein, please hang in there! »

Freckled cheeks, shining chocolate eyes, that's all Jean could see. But those eyes were sad, watery and those lips were trembling : « I'm sorry » « It's my fault ». He felt sad. He didn't like the look in those eyes, he didn't like the way those teeth bit this bloody bottom lip ; worried, because of him. No. This was definitely too sad.

Jean's vision started to blur, maybe from tears, maybe from fatigue, he couldn't tell. He tried to focus on the face in front of him but he couldn't. He just couldn't. He was too tired, too cold. He wanted to go to sleep, to go back to the dreams, but without _him_ , he couldn't.  
Suddenly, the voice faded and there was a dazzling light and then it was there, a slightly different freckled face ; gentle, smiling, reassuring.

This was much better. 

He felt warm again. He felt calm, in peace. And when those lips said his name : « Jean » in this soft voice he still knew too well, Jean couldn't help but smile.

He closed his eyes and he was finally home.

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first time writing someone's death so I hope it's not too bad. I cried while writing it... a lot.  
> Again, I'm sorry for what I've done.


End file.
